We went to a geothermal spa; it was both terrifying and liberating

Iceland is one of the most geologically active places in the world and that activity has shaped Icelandic culture. Its harnessed by power plants to heat homes and used to warm greenhouses to grow food. It's also the heart and soul of social life. The English converse in pubs, the French murmur in cafes, Italians get loud in piazzas, and Icelanders bare all in their geothermally heated pools. They are everywhere, pretty much every village has a swim spot.Checkout HotPot Iceland to see a comprehensive map of pools and hot pots all over the island.

Krýsuvík geothermal area. These are not waters you want to swim in, way too hot, but worth checking out for sure.

Swim etiquette says you must shower, completely naked, before going in. Pools have little to no chlorine, so it's imperative to be clean when using them. There are signs posted in the changing rooms explicitly saying, wash your funky bits with diagrams highlighting areas to focus on in the shower: armpits, head, hands, feet, crotch, and butt. And you're supposed to get alllll up in there so that you're not bringing any stank in the water. It's not worth it to try to break the 'wash your junk' rule either. First, it's disrespectful. And second, there might be a shower warden that will call you out. They don't mess around.

I knew the naked bit going in; I do my research okay. But it didn't change the fact I had a damn near full on panic attack when the time came to do the deed. So there I was, with my best girlfriend, we were having the best vacation, in the best country, and we were gonna have THE BEST spa day. After a long day driving the Golden Circle, we finished it off with a visit to Laugarvatn Fontana geothermal spa. It was unbelievable. They have multiple natural pools at varying temperatures and sizes. A hot tub and a sauna. Three steam baths at different temperatures (fueled by steam coming through the floor from the hot springs directly below). Everything sits on the edge of lake Laugarvatn where you can sit on the deck, admiring the view and take a cold dip if you're brave enough. All of this for roughly thirty-five bucks. UnREAL.

I didn't take my phone with me to the spa but here is a cute pic of me at Krýsuvík.

But before I could enjoy all this fantastic spa had to offer, I needed to grapple with a few things. As we undressed at the lockers, I couldn't strip down all the way. With my underwear still on, a towel wrapped around as much of my body as I could manage, I held back tears and ran to the bathroom. I was freaking out. I had never been completely naked in front of another person. It's not like I've never been vulnerable in front of others. I have a sex life, and I even did a play in college where I had to strip down to my skivvies. But those brightly colored bra and panties were still a piece of armour, something to hide behind. It's embarrassing to admit, but even when I'm getting busy, I still have some article of clothing on. I still have something to hide behind. So this was uncharted territory. I was so close to giving up and going to the cafe to eat some rúgbrauð bread (it's a rye bread, baked by burying it underground near a hot spring). But I'm trying this whole, love and accept myself, fat and all thing, so I DIDN'T. Instead, I took off my underwear, dropped the towel and stared at my fat naked body in the mirror. And I cried. It was such a profound release. Before I could be naked in front of others, I had to be naked with just me.

Like I said, didn't have my phone on me but here is a kick ass pic I took from the plane.

I have my share of body image issues, like every woman, thank you unrealistic beauty standards. My body size is constantly weighing on my mind, worried if I draw too much attention I'll get the look. That look of disgust that says, 'you don't deserve to take up that space because you're not a human, you're a monster.' I know not everyone thinks that and some might just have a resting bitch face. But that mentality is out there. I've seen it countless times, and our media and entertainment reinforce it. Fat is bad. Fat is ugly. Fat isn't worthy of love or even basic human respect. And fuck off right now if your response is, 'fat is unhealthy, and we shouldn't enable being unhealthy.' Promoting respect and self-worth of all bodies is not enabling being unhealthy. You can't judge a person's health by their appearance alone. And if we genuinely want people to be their healthiest selves, encouraging self-love and acceptance of their basic human existence is the way to a healthy mind and body. No wonder I've always lost the battle of the bulge and end up just being self-destructive. Self-hatred fuels that destructive behavior. I wonder what would happen if rather than assuming my body is wrong and aiming for a physical result, I conditioned myself to believe it's right and love me as I am. Not love what I could or should be but love myself with all my imperfections and fatness right now. And set positively framed goals focused on a healthy mind and body. Skinny might not be where I end up, but that's not important. What matters is being vibrant and alive and continually trying to grow and be a little better each day.

After hyping myself up, I walked out of the bathroom and showered. OK so I did see a curtain at one end when I finally made it to the showers, and I went for it. I'm still giving myself credit because progress is progress and I could have closed the curtain all the way, but I chose to leave it partially open because I'm trying. All I can do is try and be kind to myself. I might still have a long way to go, but I took a few steps forward, and I'm proud of me. And I did end up having THE BEST spa day. It was magical. After the showers, walking around in a bathing suit was a piece of cake. I have never felt so confident in a bathing suit. I still want that rúgbrauð bread though.